Character Assassination

Zombie Apocalypse: Never Die Alone

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I'm all for silly characters in videogames.  I mean, Mario is a small Italian plumber who squashes mushrooms, fights horned turtles, eats mushrooms, and eats tobacco that makes him spit fire.  That's fucking silly in any language.  But when the character design strays from silly and stumbles into doosh territory, that's when problems can come up.  After checking out the demo, this is the impression I get from these characters.  No, I'm not reviewing the game here, although I will say I dig the direction they went with gameplay, more of a Total Carnage evolution of Smash TV than a simple re-hash of the latter.

There are 4 characters in the demo: Jeremy, the white nerd; Alma, the Spanish chick; Def Money, the black British rapper guy; Father Bill, the Priest.  Each stereotypical character fits classes of playable characters (like stealth, assault, healer) and social classes of persons.  These seem to push in more stereotypes than is necessary.  And it's really fucking annoying.  I mean really, really, annoying..

 Jeremy, the Assault Gamer.  He starts out OK, but then he starts talking and telling his yawnitacious backstory.  He talks in internet shorthand, saying things like LOL, with a voice worse than Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.  This shut-ins voice is so fast, it almost makes him more annoying.  Apparently he and his friend Billy were killing zombies, and Billy wasn't very good at it and died.  Jeremy isn't completely broken up about it, in fact, it seems he thinks Billy sucked.  When I had Jeremy pick up some health, he said something like "Health is good".  I'm sorry, but eat poison apples or something.  Jeremy has cool weapons to start out with, but the way he talks, and what he says, makes me want to turn his weapons on himself.  "Just try to be as awesome as me!"  Jeremy, you suck.  Please die.

Alma, the Stealth Engineer, is the games, err, "hot chick", which may work for kids and other small mammals, but come on.  Really?  This character made me think of Ripley from the Alien series, but when she talks, she seems more suited to being in a court room saying "Objection!", being on one of those pre-recorded menus you hear on a telephone, or operating one of those stenographer machines.  She's a member of Father Bill's parish, so we know she's a believer of some sort.  She's also apparently intelligent, but I'd rather her grow a brain and then feed it to the zombies.  "Come'n get it! I suck!"

Def Money, the Hip-Hop Brit-Brawler.  Oh, Def.. you are a shithead, and I hate you.  Along with your cockney accent, and stupid music-related lines that just don't quite fit, your pistol weapons suck.  And why in the name of all get up and fuck is your special weapon a boom box that makes the zombies dance?  How useless is that?  I mean, what the hell?  At least the clips I heard from the boombox were a crap Culture Club song and that annoying, ridiculous "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" song from Wang Chung.  Almost made me want to give myself a 22-caliber lobotomy.  How about an exploding disco ball that explodes and shoots mirror shards all over the place and slices apart zombies?  Come to think of it, that's also pretty stupid.  Oh yeah, being British also means he can use a cricket bat as a weapon.  Oh, and by the way, stupid, Hip-Hop Brit-Brawler is NOT a fucking "class", ok?

Lastly, Father Bill, the Upbeat Healer.  I don't know what to say.  The self-censoring 1950s humor I can appreciate, but the timing and delivery is like nails across a chalk board while eating rocks.  Oh the pain.  I hate to think of his sermons, and how ridiculous they may be.  And that voice.. that voice.. why does he sound like the announcer from commercials for Smucker's Jellies?  Why do you sound creepy?  He's got all of those stereotypical religious quotes about being saved, and God helping them out to destroy evil.  Sorry, Bill, but God's not helping you kill those zombies, he's trying to get those zombies to kill you, ass.  Father Bill is almost embarrassing to play as, unless you are playing with a couple of drunk friends who have sick, twisted, or dry senses of humor.